What In The Good Goddamn Is Going On With This New ‘Robin Hood’ Movie?
Back in 2015, a long-standing Hollywood phenomenon known as Twin Films occurred. Both Disney and Sony announced they were putting Robin Hood films into productions. Three years later, one of those is finally on its way to theaters. Robin Hood, slated for September of this year, will be released from Lionsgate as a “merged” concept with Sony’s original plan. As of this writing, we know very little about the plot. What we do know is the costume design is confusing the ever-living hell out of everyone.
In order to get to the bottom of this, my buddy Adam P. Knave and I put on our detective hats. However, we didn’t realize we were falling into a maw of madness that would end with us deciding the new Robin Hood film is secretly the Gungun species origin story. Won’t you join us on our descent into lunacy?
(Please PLEASE note we are just having a laugh and not serious.)
ADAM: Donna. What have you roped me into this time? This…this Robin Hood movie, why…help me here.
DONNA: Because if I have to be confused by this film, SO DO YOU Adam. Honestly though? I’m blaming Scott Wampler for this one. He was the first person in my Twitter timeline to post the Mendelsohn image and that grey cape sucked me in and left me a confused hollow shell of a person.
ADAM: Ok so this is a movie starring the co-lead from the Kingsman movies and he plays Robin Hood. Supposedly. I’ll be honest, when Scott posted that image, I thought it was a Star Wars pic. Then I looked closer and thought Legends of Tomorrow.
DONNA: Same. The Mendelsohn image has a very “low budget sci-fi” look going on.
ADAM: But it does take place during the 3rd Crusade, it seems. So is this just another version of that “King Arthur but with classic rock” move?
DONNA: THAT’S THE MYSTERY. I’m not going to lie. I fell down a terribly deep rabbit hole after I saw that initial image and the results left me more confused than ever. It *HAS* to take place during the Crusades because there are photos of the cast dressed as Templars but then you’ve also got Robin Hood stealing Fred’s from Scooby Doo’s ascot and random angry men wearing sweatpants.
ADAM: Ok ok I have a theory! I can solve this and make it a movie you want to see REALLY badly. Ready?
DONNA: Yes.
ADAM: Robin Hood 2018 takes place in the future. When the government has decided it will cosplay, literally cosplay, the kind of ruling they want to show off. So here’s a guy dressed like a low level Star Wars admin. That’s what he does for the Gov! Here are people in bad faux “bad guy” armor. That’s their job! Here are folks cosplaying as members of the Crusade. They are, as long as they wear it. And into this comes Eggsy, cosplaying as.. let me check the picture again… a sofa. HE WILL BRING COMFORT
DONNA: Dress for the job you want, taken to the Nth degree. Brilliant! Side note: This movie doesn’t come out until September of 2018 but there’s no plot synopsis on Wikipedia or IMDB. Only this tidbit that the project is basically smashing together two disparate Sony scripts which…you can tell.
ADAM: Idiocracy mixed with Robin Hood. Mixed with SDCC. What could go wrong with that? I mean really. You take every other scene from each movie and then you kinda… spell check it and… what could go wrong?
DONNA: The insanity just gets better the more you look at it. This movie is the Magic Eye poster of Robin Hood films. So you’ve got a photo on IMDB of Eggy and actor Yun Lai who looks FABULOUS with a bouffant hairstyle but his character is named Invité soirée which is French for Evening Guest. I’m all about some diversity in historical fiction as Westerners tend to whitewash our own history. Yet I’m still like “What? WHO ARE YOU?”
ADAM: The Evening Guest. Donna you answered your own question. THE GUEST WHAT COMES IN THE EVENNING.
DONNA: My guess is the Evening Guest arrives in the First Act, much like Maleficent in ‘Sleeping Beauty’ and casts a spell that merges their high-fantasy world with a gritty sci-fi dystopia. Pandemonium ensues. Dammit, I would totally watch that.
ADAM: My guess is, the Evening Guest attends a banquet. And is their guest, that evening. And then is never heard from again. But probably does some sort of spy thing or gives someone a message. But knowing this movie, it’ll be on a usb key. Can I hope that someone says “Banquet” but pronounces it “Ban-qua” in some odd attempt to sound fancy? Just…just because?
DONNA: You’re probably right, but I’m just trying to jazz this confused limp noodle of a movie up since Far-Future Space Robin Hood would at least be different.
ADAM: Also worth noting: This is also the first film directed by Barthurst, who has directed TV otherwise. that’s not a condemnation but it feels like it may explain the look and feel.
DONNA: I found another plot hint hiding in the casting notes. There are several folks labeled as “ Saracen ____” which was a term used in the Middle Ages to denote Muslims living in the Syrian region. Thanks Google!
ADAM: Well Robin Hood famously moved to the woods of Syria to fight against the Cursaders and save the…oh fuck me, Donna, that’s TOTALLY the plot isn’t it?
DONNA: There is literally no one playing King Richard. WHAT EVEN IS THIS MOVIE?
ADAM: It’s gonna be Robin Hood against the Crusades. It really is. I can feel it now. It’s an origin right? So we’ll see how he turned against the Christians, to save the innocents, became a legend (of tomorrow) and then squats in a forest like a smurf — a bunch of guys and one woman as their beard.
DONNA: It has to be. Without anyone playing King Richard or King John, I can’t see how they’d be in England for a majority of the film. Which brings us full circle do why does Mendelsohn’s Sheriff of Nottingham look like he wandered in from the Rogue One set?
ADAM: I have a question for you, Donna.
DONNA: I probably do not have an answer.
ADAM: Is this movie happening in the modern day? It is,say, happening a long long time ago?
DONNA: Adam.
ADAM:…Yeah. So… Ohh or maybe that’s just how Mendelsohn dresses for himself and he wasn’t even in costume that day!
DONNA: I’m kind of in love with the idea that Mendelsohn just owns a closet of vaguely sci-fi capes that he wears to Whole Foods.
ADAM: Wouldn’t you? …don’t you?
DONNA: Adam, do you want to know who wrote this script? Can you guess?
ADAM: Oohh who wrote it? Tell me!
DONNA: Joby Harold. The man who penned the Classic Rock King Arthur movie that Guy Ritchie directed last year. So yeah, I think that actually answers ALL OF OUR QUESTIONS.
ADAM: Whaaaaaat? Wait, isn’t he ALSO writing Flashpoint for DC?
DONNA: *checks* Yes. Yes he is. Maybe this Robin Hood movie is being affected by Flashpoint!
ADAM: YEs! Maybe it is in continuity with this Arthur movie and this is a stealth cinematic universe grab by DC! MAYBE THAT KING ARTHUR BECOMES SILENT KNIGHT AND ROBIN BECOMES SHINING KNIGHT
DONNA: This is now the only acceptable outcome for this poor, confused film. KING ARTHUR V ROBIN HOOD is obviously the end goal.
ADAM: Five bucks on this guy writing some strangeass Zorro movie as we speak.
DONNA: I…will not accept that bet but I may start day-drinking now. What other folk heroes can we bake into this Classic Rock Cinematic Universe? Lone Ranger needs a reboot after Disney botched it. Maybe throw in some Joan of Arc too?
ADAM: I think Lone Ranger ages out a bit? Joan of Arc DEF. Scarlet Pimpernel? Think of all the music fun they could have with that name. “It’s hard out here for a Pimp…ernel”
DONNA: But what if the Lone Ranger fell through a time portal, like John Carter but without the Mars?
ADAM: What if the end game is a giant time portal and they use HG Wells Time Machine as a movie to set up the League of Extraordinary Lawsuits?
DONNA: This was pretty much exactly my next sentence Adam and I don’t appreciate you using our mind-meld without asking first.
ADAM: Toss you to the morlocks I will!
DONNA: Please, no.
ADAM: I’m ready to fold in Jurassic Park into this then end it with the end of the Planet of the Apes movies, where supersmart dinos team up with Robin Hood, King Arthur, Joan of Arc and Scarlet Pimpernel to defeat apes and take back Earth for… humans. And then the dinos double cross them OH NO WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED!
DONNA: But then it turns out Mendelsohn really IS from space, and the Impeccable Cape Aliens arrive to broker a peace between primate and dinosaurs.
ADAM: This… this is the secret generic history of Gungans, isn’t it? Damn it!
DONNA: Oh God, are Gunguns the direct result of the Interspecies Golden Age where Impeccable Cape Alien technology allowed primates and dinosaurs to mate? Only to have both sides turn on their progeny and banish them to a far away galaxy?
ADAM: Mesa Think so, Annie.
DONNA: Call us Hollywood. Let’s get this Cinematic Universe rolling.